What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To see if the chicken had whiplash.
Father talking to his son: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you are a lawyer."
A dying man calls his doctor, priest and lawyer to his deathbed. He gives each of them $10,000 in cash with instructions to place the money in his casket when he dies. "That way," he explains," I'll have a little seed money to get me on my feet and get me started in my afterlife."
A couple of months after the funeral, the priest calls the doctor and lawyer together. "I have to make a confession," says the priest. " This has been weighing on me for a couple of months and I have to get it off of my chest. Remember that $10,000 the old man gave us? Well, we have this homeless shelter at the church, and we ran out of food around the time of the funeral. I took $2,000 from the $10,000 and used to to buy food for the homeless people at the shelter."
The doctor says," I'm glad you brought that up. We have a health clinic for the disadvantaged. When some equipment broke a couple of months ago, we didn't have any money to replace it, so I took $3,000 from the $10,000 and used it to buy the medical equipment for the health clinic."
The lawyer says," I can't believe you guys! What a bunch of crooks you guys are!"
The priest and the doctor ask the lawyer," Did you put the whole $10,000 in the casket?"
"Not the cash," says the lawyer."But I wrote him a check for the full $10,000"
A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are playing golf. They are moving swiftly through their round until they come up behind a couple of guys who are really slow. They go into the clubhouse and complain to the pro. "Oh," says the pro, "those guys are blind."
The doctor and priest reply," We apologize. We didn't know. Please forget that we even mentioned it."
And the lawyer asks,"Can't they play at night?"
To Table of Contents
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
-- M. C. Escher
Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.
Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself.
-- Niels Bohr
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
-- Mac System 7.1 error message
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, I have not tried it.
-- Donald Knuth
I've truncated, and I can't round up!
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
There are two ways of constructing a software design:
One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- C. A. R. Hoare
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in Braille.
To Table of Contents
Puppies and Politics
George and Barb Bush were strolling through the local dog show when they happened upon a basket of newborn puppies a lady was selling. They inquired as to where the mother was. "The mother died in birthing." the lady replied. "Well" the former president said, "We'll take one if it's a Republican." The saleslady looked at the puppies and replied, "They are all Republicans."
Later on that day the Bush's came back to get their puppy. They were then informed that the little ones had become democrats. "George and Babs were puzzled and asked why? To which the lady replied:
"They've opened their eyes!"
To Table of Contents
There once was a marine biologist that was interested in studying ways to increase the lifespan of marine mammals. He established a research station on an island in the Caribbean Ocean at the edge of a game preserve. After many years of investigation, he discovered that porpoises showed no signs of aging whatsoever if their diet was limited exclusively to very young seagulls and if they were fed at exactly 6 hour intervals.
He ran his project for 30 years and at the end of that time the porpoises still showed no effects of aging.
One day as feeding time approached, his assistant told him that they had no seagulls for the porpoises. The rookery where they procured the porpoise food was on the other end of the island across the game preserve. The biologist and his assistant raced across the island, gathered up enough young seagulls and sped back to the research station. As they were crossing the preserve, the assistant turned a corner and ran over a huge cat sleeping in the middle of the road. The scientist and his assistant were then arrested.
The charge: Transporting immature gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.
To Table of Contents
A young woman goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. She's wearing a pair of headphones, and the stylist says that he can't cut her hair with the headphones on. She replies, "No, you have to cut around the headphones, I can't take them off".
They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her extra. She says, "That's ok, go ahead and cut it".
So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the headphones, she's happy with it.So a few weeks later she comes in again. This time she also wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, "No way, not this time, this time I'm taking the headphones off". So he takes off the headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead. He wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and puts them on.
He hears "breathe in... breathe out...breathe in... breathe out..."
To Table of Contents
The Elephants & the Turtle
Two elephants were standing along side the Nile River. It was a beautiful day, consequently they had both said as much to one another. A few yards down the river a very old, very slow turtle was methodically making his way up the bank. One elephant noticed that the other had taken a special interest in this turtle's activity. In time the elephant interested in the activity of the turtle lumbered over and most purposefully stepped on the turtle, casually lumbered back to his original position and commenced enjoying the beautiful day.
All was done without a word of explanation to his peer. Well, curiosity finally got to the other elephant and he asked "Why did you squash that seemingly innocent and obviously defenseless turtle?"
The perpetrator replied: "That seemingly innocent turtle bit me on the toe when I was a young bull courting a cow down the river. It was very embarrasing and caused me irreparable psychological harm, as a result I have grown to be a different elephant than I would have if I could have omitted that event from my life."
Well the other elephant is now awfully curious how his friend could remember that specific turtle and event from so long ago and asks "How can you be sure that was the same exact turtle that bit you on the toe so many decades ago?"
His friend replies: "Easy, I have turtle recall."
To Table of Contents
A man spent his life looking for the grave of Mozart. When he finally had done his homework and pinpointed the location, he set out to dig up the grave to see if there were any scores that he may have taken with him, making the man famous. When he finally arrived at the spot and started digging, he noticed a faint light growing brighter the further down he dug. When he finally broke through the soil to where Mozart's grave was, he was shocked to find the musician erasing pages and pages of music. After a short time the man got up the courage to ask what Mozart was doing to which Mozart replied, "I'm decomposing"
To Table of Contents
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses come back to earth. They're in a rowboat in the middle of the red sea talking. Moses asks Jesus, "You know I wonder if I can still perform miracles?"
Jesus replies" I don't know try."
So Moses takes his staff, touches the water, and behold it splits in half, just like it did before.
The Jesus takes his turn, he wants to walk on water like he did before, so he steps out of the boat, and onto the water, and starts to drown.
Moses, saves him, brings him back into the boat. Jesus says "Gee I wonder why it worked for you and not me?"
Moses replies "What do you expect? You got holes in your feet!!!"
To Table of Contents
Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.
HOW DOES IT WORK? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS ? If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.
HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS ON THEIR OWN ? Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING ? Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.
SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK ? CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM ? No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
WHAT'S THAT ? The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.
WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ? Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.
ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ? Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED ? If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within 24 business hours.
BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME ? We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
To Table of Contents
Now, I am not a philosopher, just a humble teacher, so I cannot claim to understand the full significance of what follows. However, it just couldn't be pure coincidence.
Jesus and Elvis
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
To Table of Contents
A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kingdom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful.
Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (knights, pages, etc.) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two and came upon the powerful king's castle.
The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked! The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall.
When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monster's huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle.
Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
To Table of Contents
Sequels We Don't Want to See
1. Now Go Stand By Someone Else
2. Hamlet II: The Survivors
3. Romeo And Juliet Ii: The Antidote
4. This Son Of A Gun For Hire
5. The Second Winds Of War
6. Anything Went
7. A Parting Shot In The Dark
8. Return Of The Letter
9. Never Cry Fox, Either
10. The Recall Of The Wild
12. Never Say Never Again, Again
13. Afterbirth Of A Nation
14. Repaint Your Wagon
15. Grandchildren Of The Damned
To Table of Contents
Jesus and the Burglar
A burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.
The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.
That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.
The burglar froze in his tracks.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
"I see you and Jesus sees you."
The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp, and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.
"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.
To Table of Contents
The following 15 announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. The following messages actually appeared on signs in front of churches:
1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
2. Thursday night-Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North & South ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
To Table of Contents
Harry and Sam
Harry & Sam are clams. Although they were best friends, Harry the Clam was a very good clam, and Sam was a very bad clam. In a tragic accident, both clams were killed. Harry, the good clam, went to Heaven. Sam, being a bad clam, went to Hell.
Six months pass. St. Peter was checking up on the newest entrants and had a chance to chat with Harry. "Harry, is everything good for you up here?" he asked.
Harry replied, " Everything is perfect, and I don' t wish to complain, but I really miss by best friend Sam."
St Peter offered " Why don't you get a pass and visit him for a few days?"
Astonished, Harry inquired " How is this possible?"
St Peter smiled "As an angel, you are given a special harp as a passport back into heaven. Just show the Pearly Gatekeeper the harp and you are admitted back in."
Not believing his good fortune, Harry requested the harp, and proceeded down to the pits of Hell to see his old friend Sam. "Good to see you old friend! How is life in hell?" greeted Harry when he first saw Sam.
" Fantastic! The people are great - and the nightlife, unbelievable! In fact, I own my own disco & night club down here. Want to come see it?" teased Sam.
"Why not, as long as I have my passport harp, what can be the problem?" thought Harry, and off they went.
After a week of reveling at the nightclub, Harry thought it prudent to get back up to heaven. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Harry hollered at the closed gates, " Hey, it's Harry the clam, let me in!" The gatekeeper replied "Harry, if that's really you, where's your harp?"
"Oh my gosh! " said Harry, and then he sang " I left my harp in Sam Clams disco."
To Table of Contents
Pearls of Wisdom
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
A thought for the day: In ``A Clarification of Questions,'' Iran's Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini wrote that ``if a fly gets into the throat of one who is fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out.''
A day without sunshine is like night.
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -- Jay Leno
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears, but only twice as many ears as noses.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
To err is human, to moo bovine.
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
The Purple Lands Once upon a time, in the purple lands, there lived a purple king, who had a purple daughter, the purple princess. They lived in a purple palace at the purple edge of the purple fields, over which they could see the purple forest, and, far in the purple distance, the purple mountains. There was also a purple knight at the purple palace, who spent his time on the purple walls, or on the purple jousting court with his purple horse, in purple armor, jousting at the purple ring with his purple lance, or slashing his purple sword at the purple Saracen, in his purple armor. This being a purple fairy tale, of course, the purple knight loved the purple princess, but the purple king kept putting off the purple knight's suit for marriage.
One purple day, a purple villain rode up to the purple palace. Except for part of his purple armor, which was yellow, he was dressed entirely in purple; his purple horse was harnessed in purple leather and his purple armor gleamed darkly in the purple sunlight. He stood next to his purple horse, at the edge of the purple moat, looking over at the raised purple drawbridge and the purple portcullis, which the purple knight had closed upon the approach of the purple villain, and shouted through his purple visor, "Purple Knight! Come out and fight for the purple honor of the purple princess!"
The purple king nudged the purple knight. "Go on..."
So, the purple knight unhappily began putting on his purple armor; unwillingly because the purple villain looked tough, and the purple knight had really only fought the purple ring and the purple Saracen; he'd never been in a real purple fight before. The purple princess helped him pull on his purple boots, and put on his purple helmet. His purple page gave him a leg up on the purple horse, and handed him his purple lance. The purple knight gave the order for the purple portcullis to be opened, and the purple drawbridge opened, and slowly walked the purple horse over the purple drawbridge to meet the purple villain. The purple king and the purple princess followed them to the purple jousting field, where the purple knight and the purple villain lined up on opposite sides. At a signal from a purple judge, the two began to gallop their purple horses at each other. The purple earth shook. The purple knight attempted to sweep the purple villain off his purple horse with the side of his purple lance, but the purple villain had lodged the tip of his purple lance in the purple knight's shield before the purple knight could react. The purple knight was pushed out of his purple saddle and fell to the purple grass in a cloud of purple dust.
In a purple second, the purple villain was off his purple horse and running over to the purple knight, drawing his purple dagger. He held the purple blade threateningly over the purple knight's purple visor as he lay on the purple grass, and growled, "Yield."
"Yield," moaned the purple knight.
The purple villain jumped up immediately. He ran back to his purple horse, mounted it, and galloped over to the purple pavilion where the purple king and the purple princess were watching. He grabbed the purple princess and flung her over the back of his saddle, and galloped into the purple distance.
The purple king was over by the purple knight. "You must follow the purple villain and win back the purple princess, or you will never marry her!" said the purple king. The purple knight, still on his back, looked at the purple villain, receding in the purple sunset, and sighed a purple sigh.
The following purple morning, the purple knight and his purple page, with their purple travelling gear, set out on the purple trail after the purple villain. Over several purple days, the tracked the purple villain through the purple fields, into the purple forest, to the purple hills and into the purple mountains. After scaling several of the purple mountains, they came to a purple valley, which they followed out to a purple plain. They crossed the purple plain to find a purple tower, with purple crows circling, where the purple villain lived.
The purple knight camped for the purple night a safe distance from the purple tower. In the purple tent, he and the purple page readied his purple armor for the following purple day's purple battle, by a purple light, and the purple knight attempted to plan a purple strategy.
In the purple morning, the purple knight mounted his purple horse, lowered his purple visor, and took his purple lance from his purple page. He walked his purple horse to the edge of the purple moat of the purple tower, and called, "Purple villain! Come out and fight for the honor of the purple princess!"
The purple knight waited for a long purple time. Finally, a purple drawbridge creaked down to bridge the purple moat. A purple portcullis was raised. And the purple villain appeared at the far side. The purple villain walked his purple horse out into the purple dawn sunlight, and glared at the purple knight. He made a purple gesture to the purple section of purple grass which had been cut short to make a purple jousting field. Carefully, the purple knight and the purple villain arrayed themselves on either side of the purple field. The purple knight's purple page gave the signal, and they began. As they met, the purple knight attempted to push the purple villain off his purple horse with the tip of his purple lance, but he missed; the purple villain swung his purple lance around and swept the purple knight out of his saddle. Again the purple knight hit the purple grass. He struggled to rise, and draw his purple sword, but the purple villain was upon him before he could rise. The purple villain held his drawn purple dagger to the purple visor of the purple knight and growled, "Yield."
"Yield," moaned the purple knight.
The purple villain unlaced the purple knight's purple helmet, and took it off. Using the purple laces, he tied the purple knight's hands together at the purple wrists. He pulled the purple knight to his feet, and pushed him towards the purple tower. The purple knight stumbled across the purple bridge and into the purple courtyard inside the purple tower. The purple villain led him to a purple door in a corner of the purple courtyard, and opened it with a large purple key from a thick purple ring of purple keys. The purple knight was pushed through the purple door, into the purple dark.
They seemed to stumble for a purple eternity down the purple stairs. Every so often the purple knight would think he saw a purple rat, or once a purple skull. Purple torches guttered on the purple walls. There was a purple smell of purple mildew. The purple knight saw purple water leaking through the purple stones. They reached another purple door, made of intimidating purple bolts and purple metal plates. The purple villain used three purple keys in the myriad purple locks of this purple door, and on the other side was a purple jailer sitting on a purple stool. The purple jailer, a huge purple man, rose and took the purple knight from the purple villain. As the purple jailer pushed the purple knight deeper into the purple dungeon, the purple villain headed back up the purple stairs, locking the purple door behind him.
The purple knight continued to be led down the purple stairs, occasionally seeing a purple snake and unexplained purple rattlings. There were other blank purple doors, but the purple jailer did not stop at any of them. Finally, at the bottom of the purple corridor, the purple hall came to a full stop at a blank purple wall. There was a tiny purple door, without even a purple grate, in the purple wall, just large enough for a purple person to wriggle through. The purple jailer used five purple keys from a purple key ring even bigger than the purple villain's to open the purple locks in this purple door. It creaked open, and the purple knight saw purple rust on it. He looked in the purple cell, which was almost lightless, and saw purple straw on the floor, damp and uncomfortable looking, and perhaps some purple bones. He shuddered at the thought of spending the rest of his purple life in that purple hole, and involuntarily backed away, but the purple jailer hit him and pushed him to the purple door.
"All right," said the purple jailer, "In di go."